26 weeks, 4 days--Q&A

You seem to have had a successful experience falling in love; do you have any dating advice for people with Cerebral Palsy?

Wow, what an intimidating question! As you may be able to tell I’ve been putting off creating a generalized answer that I could post here on the blog. However, this just might be my most popular question, so here is my attempt. Please remember that I am not an expert.

My first bit of advice is to get out of the house and go to where single people are. I know we all have different ability levels and this will be more difficult for some than for others, but when it comes to meeting new people--usually this means getting out of the house. Most of my dating and socializing as a single person came from two sources; church and college. These are two great places to meet eligible and datable people, both with and without disabilities. On top of dating I believe that church and college will foster one’s self identity and progression through life. So even if you don’t meet someone I think you will be a happier person for participating. If church or school are not your “thing” I would recommend joining a organization of “do gooders” and perform service for others—it’s a great place to meet the right sort of person to date and serving next to people helps build relationships and helps people see past your disabilities.

Another big issue with dating is transportation, I have heard people of all ability levels complain that they cannot date because they have no car or cannot drive. To this I can tell you that Matt and I had a 100% “Car-less Courtship” and about 8 months of our 2 year marriage have been car-less as well. I know that public transit isn’t ideal but it is something, don’t discount it.

 Here are another few pointers: 

• When socializing try not to complain about your disabilities; negativity and complaining aren't very attractive. If you need to mention something say that you would have difficulty with this or that activity, and try to say it with a smile on your face. 
• I think that is excellent to expect high standards from the people you date but also set high standards for yourself too. Be a person you would want to date. 
• And finally remember that it’s okay to be single, you can be very happy as a single person. Don’t settle for dating someone that demeans your ability level just because you don’t want to be alone. Besides being a happy single person is very attractive.

Do you have a birth plan?

Yes and no. There is a lot in how CP will affect my delivery that I don’t know, so I need to be flexible. Here are some of my thoughts. 

“Ideally” I’d like to deliver this baby naturally, aka no pain meds. I know this might be nothing but vanity on my part but after 6 osteotomies (where your bone is sawn in half and rotated) I figure that I can handle pain just fine. Pain tolerance is simply part of my identity so I don’t want to feel weak. Also of course, I have the same arguments against epidurals many other women have. I don’t want to give myself unnecessary medication and put the child in danger or distress. My doctor has suggested, though, that an epidural may reduce my spasticity. I’ve heard of woman with CP in labor for hours (30 hrs plus) and not being able to deliver due to spasticity, resulting in emergencies. If an epidural really would loosen my muscles and make delivery less dangerous I cannot let my pride get in the way. For now though I’m not convinced it really would loosen my muscles—if any of you have had an experience related to this, please let me know.

I would prefer to not have a C-section but I am not opposed either, under the right circumstances. If we decide that my pelvis is too tight to deliver, I am in favor of a planned C-section and avoiding any distress to the baby. Since I want to deliver vaginally so much the doctor has suggested that we could try and deliver vaginally but have a shorter time limit before moving to the operating room. I am most comfortable with this suggestion.

I am VERY opposed to an induction with my CP. Pitocin will increase distress on my baby and my tight pelvis will too. I will NOT put my child in that situation. If there is any suggestion of it I will schedule a C-section and skip all the inevitable trauma to my child.

So those are my thoughts so far—but admittedly I still have a lot to learn.

17 weeks Q&A, or is it 18?

First I want to apologize for having this be 2 days late. Monday I was totally separated from my normal schedule and Tuesday I had to catch up on everything.

How did you meet and fall in love with your husband? Does he also have CP?

My husband and I met in college, during my last year. We lived in the same apartment building and attended church together. The first thing that intrigued me about Matthew was how carefully he used his words. No matter what the situation I only heard him speak when he had something very kind or intelligent to say. What manner of college boy was this?! We fell in love over long talks in the evenings. I was very busy writing my thesis and working so he would also regularly fix me dinner to ensure that we had time together. Everybody has to eat! I remember one particularly busy day, I did not return home until 1:30 am and there he was sitting in the hall reading a book just so he could say good night to me.

One night in February after about a month of talking every night, he asked me to be his girlfriend. The question really threw me off guard! After a few moments of incoherent thought and struggling to find the right words; I told him yes, shook his hand goodnight and ran away to bed. Our first kiss was the next day and out first date was 2 days after that—so we did things a little backwards.

It was only two months later, while standing in the pouring rain and trying to obtain shelter under the plastic canopy of a playground jungle gym, that he pulled out a diamond ring and asked me to be his bride. At that moment I essentially panicked, the word “Marriage” had not even entered our conversations—and there he was with a diamond ring? I held on for dear life to the playground equipment as my legs gave out and I tried to process the information. Luckily, I had decided the week before if our relationship ever moved in that direction I would not resist. I said Yes! And 4 months later we were married.

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Matt does not have CP, in fact he is completely able-bodied and a distance runner. He was the first boy to COMPLETELY look past my disabilities. He told me that it wasn't even a factor in considering our relationship, although he did make a point to educate himself on Cerebral Palsy.

On our first date

Matt running (wish I could do that)

What size of family would you like to have?

As large as possible! If I had written this last week I would have told you that we planned on having 2 children biologically (close together) and after they grew a bit and became more independent we would adopt a few.  Now though I’ve had a few “reality checks” and I’m not sure what we will do. It looks like my leg bones might be bending under the weight of the pregnancy; this could be cause for concern (see page “Our Choice”) and we might choose to adopt after this pregnancy.

I come from a family of 7 and my husband comes from a family of 8, so siblings are very important to us. In our previous plan siblinghood would be established and we would have time to save the necessary money to adopt. Now though we may not have that money saving grace period.  We will see how things go, I have not lost faith in having a 2^nd or even 3^rd pregnancy. We simply have to be willing to take things as they come.