You seem to have had
a successful experience falling in love; do you have any dating advice for people
with Cerebral Palsy?
Wow, what an intimidating question! As you may be able to
tell I’ve been putting off creating a generalized answer that I could post here
on the blog. However, this just might be my most popular question, so here is
my attempt. Please remember that I am not an expert.
My first bit of advice is to get out of the house and go to
where single people are. I know we all have different ability levels and this
will be more difficult for some than for others, but when it comes to meeting
new people--usually this means getting out of the house. Most of my dating and
socializing as a single person came from two sources; church and college. These
are two great places to meet eligible and datable people, both with and without
disabilities. On top of dating I believe that church and college will foster one’s self identity and progression
through life. So even if you don’t meet someone I think you will be a happier person
for participating. If church or school are not your “thing” I would recommend joining
a organization of “do gooders” and perform service for others—it’s a great
place to meet the right sort of person to date and serving next to people helps
build relationships and helps people see past your disabilities.
Another big issue with dating is transportation, I have
heard people of all ability levels complain that they cannot date because they
have no car or cannot drive. To this I can tell you that Matt and I had a 100% “Car-less
Courtship” and about 8 months of our 2 year marriage have been car-less as
well. I know that public transit isn’t ideal but it is something, don’t
discount it.
Here are another few
pointers:
- When socializing try not to complain about your disabilities; negativity and complaining aren't very attractive. If you need to mention something say that you would have difficulty with this or that activity, and try to say it with a smile on your face.
- I think that is excellent to expect high standards from the people you date but also set high standards for yourself too. Be a person you would want to date.
- And finally remember that it’s okay to be single, you can be very happy as a single person. Don’t settle for dating someone that demeans your ability level just because you don’t want to be alone. Besides being a happy single person is very attractive.
Do you have a birth
plan?
Yes and no. There is a lot in how CP will affect my delivery
that I don’t know, so I need to be flexible. Here are some of my thoughts.
“Ideally”
I’d like to deliver this baby naturally, aka no pain meds. I know this might be
nothing but vanity on my part but after 6 osteotomies (where your bone is sawn
in half and rotated) I figure that I can handle pain just fine. Pain tolerance
is simply part of my identity so I don’t want to feel weak. Also of course, I
have the same arguments against epidurals many other women have. I don’t want
to give myself unnecessary medication and put the child in danger or distress. My
doctor has suggested, though, that an epidural may reduce my spasticity. I’ve
heard of woman with CP in labor for hours (30 hrs plus) and not being able to
deliver due to spasticity, resulting in emergencies. If an epidural really
would loosen my muscles and make delivery less dangerous I cannot let my pride
get in the way. For now though I’m not convinced it really would loosen my
muscles—if any of you have had an experience related to this, please let me
know.
I would prefer to not have a C-section but I am not opposed
either, under the right circumstances. If we decide that my pelvis is too tight
to deliver, I am in favor of a planned C-section and avoiding any distress to
the baby. Since I want to deliver vaginally so much the doctor has suggested
that we could try and deliver vaginally but have a shorter time limit before
moving to the operating room. I am most comfortable with this suggestion.
I am VERY opposed to an induction with my CP. Pitocin will
increase distress on my baby and my tight pelvis will too. I will NOT put my
child in that situation. If there is any suggestion of it I will schedule a
C-section and skip all the inevitable trauma to my child.
So those are my thoughts so far—but admittedly I still have a
lot to learn.
